Why Talk About Sex?
Sex is such a key piece of a marriage relationship. So many women are struggling in their marriages and lacking the intimacy they desire. In order to see the change we want we have to start talking about it.
Sex and Intimacy. Are they different?
Intimacy is the connection we have with someone else. While sex can inherently be simply a physical thing. It’s the combination of sex and intimacy together in a marriage, with a deep connection that is what we are all longing for. Sex and intimacy together create such a deep bond.
Life is So Crazy. I Just Can’t Focus on Sex
Life can get so busy. With the busy days of life, our relationship can begin to become like business partners. The focus shifts from the connection and instead focuses on all the to do’s of life. But marriage is supposed to be fun and intimate. Keeping sex and intimacy as a priority in your marriage keeps from sliding into the space of becoming only business partners. Without intention, we can let go of the spice, connection, and intimacy aspects of our marriage and relationships.
When you’re in the midst of raising kids, sex can be the last thing you think about. In that stage, we have to be intentional about where you can make the time for it rather than wait for it to just happen. It may not feel romantic to have it schedule out, but if you’re waiting for spontaneity, it may never happen.
Fatigue is often another hurdle. When you’re up all night, exhausted from the day, taking a roll in the hay may actually be the last thing you want to do. But it’s one of those things that actually gives you energy. It helps you feel more energized when you feel wiped out by the day to day.
You can even schedule it in on the calendar as a special night or routine. It’s an important part of marriage that you need to make a priority. It needs to be on your top 10 to do list and can’t ignore it or wait for it to just happen.
Your Past Can Shape Your Current Sex Life
We have to recognize that hurts and shame exist for many of us in regards to our sexual past. It’s important to take a look at how the hurts or beliefs of our past impact our sex life today. Begin to look at the areas of your past that aren’t healthy and choose what new beliefs you’re going to replace them with. Processing through them and allowing healing to take place can transform the future of your sex life.
But I Hate The Way My Body Looks….
With social media today, there’s this expectation of perfection. Apps make it incredibly easy for people to wipe away wrinkles and cellulite. In this culture, it’s easy for us to begin to see the flaws of our own bodies and believe we’re unattractive, even to our spouse. But an honest moment, ladies, men don’t care. They don’t need a perfect body to have a thriving and hot marriage. They just need you.
Let’s Start Talking About It
We have a tendency to isolate ourselves and not open up with our friends about struggles or issues we may be having in our marriages. But it’s so important to begin to share our struggles so that we can make the changes we want.
However, you need to be careful that you open up to people that you trust and be cautious about what issues you share. You never want to talk badly about your husband to a friend. We need women that are going to help propel us to make the changes we want and encourage us to work on our relationships. If your friend enters into bashing on your spouse, you need to be sharing with a different friend.
Having the Sex Talk with Our Spouse
Sharing with our spouse is a huge component in seeing the changes in your sex life you desire. But how the heck do we start the conversation??
It’s really simple…“honey, can we talk about our sex life” is usually all you need to get his attention.
But you need to approach the conversation in a positive way. There’s no need for nitpicking. When you enter the conversation with all the ways it’s not working, he’s going to shut down. But if you approach it in a positive, constructive way, he’s going to be open to exploring how you can make it better together.
Your spouse’s intention and goal is to please you. He wants to walk away from each encounter together knowing that he’s pleased you. Men get a good amount of pleasure from knowing they are pleasing you. As women, we need to grow in our ability to receive his touch and intimacy.
The intention behind sex is to increase connection and enhance your relationship.
When Connection is Lacking
When things don’t feel great between you and your spouse, sex is usually the last thing you want. Repairing that relationship is vital. The first step is entering into prayer and offering it up your struggles.
The next step is to look at your self and begin asking yourself questions like,
- How have I been acting?
- Would I want to be married to me?
- Have I been kind to my spouse?
- Have I been loving or helpful?
- Do I need to apologize for something?
If we feel hurt, chances are he probably feels the same way. But we need to own what we’ve done first before we can work on the together part. Rather than place blame on our spouse, we need to focus on how we can change rather than focus on the parts of our spouse that need to change. Seeing problems and struggles not as what our kids or our spouse are doing but how we respond to it, changes the responsibility of our reactions.
“When we give to others, we’re really only giving the overflow of what we’ve given to ourselves first.”
Sex & Pancakes
There’s a pancake recipe on Lusays.com and introduces you to the fantasy, pancakes, sex and what they have to do with eachother… It’s a special surprise revealed in the book if you want to find out, snag her book.
The goal of the book is for each reader to walk away with tools to make her marriage hot and spicy.
It’s important to remember that the family starts with the husband and wife. Sexual intimacy is a unique aspect of the marriage relationship. We can be intimate with our friends but we don’t have the sexual intimacy with our friends. That type of intimacy is sacred to our relationship with our spouse. Therefore, we need to keep it fun, exciting, and something we look forward to in the day to day.
Lucille Williams, national speaker and author, has ministered to couples and families for over 25 years. As a pastor’s wife, Lucille dedicates her time to ministry, writing, mentoring, and providing resources on her blog at LuSays.com. Working alongside her husband who is the children’s pastor at Shepherd Church in Porter Ranch, California, Lucille found widespread success with her first book From Me To We.
In her pursuit to safeguard marriages, Lucille has appeared on Focus on the Family’s radio broadcasts and magazine as one of their top-rated programs for “BEST OF 2018.” She was also featured on KKLA’s the Frank Sontag Show and GOD TV. Even with her writing and speaking achievements, she will tell you her greatest pride and joy is her family—her highest calling and ministry.
Lucille resides in Los Angeles with her husband of over 37 years, spending the majority of their spare time with their grandkids.