How has it been 20 years???

Joe and I hit our Golden Anniversary this week (20 years married on the 20th). We were babies when we started, I was 17 when we first got together, which feels absolutely crazy now that I have a 15 year old of my own.

So we did what any two people who’ve survived two decades together do: we ran away for a few days and did absolutely nothing.

I sat by the pool with a cocktail sweating in one hand and a book in the other. Joe tried to read, butttt in all honesty, he spent most the day napping instead.

Because somewhere between the pool chair and the second cocktail, I started thinking about everything 20 years of marriage has taught me, and I realized almost none of it applies to just marriage.

But are instead key princicples that I use to run my business, coach my clients, and honestly how I think every woman running a service based or coaching business should be building right now.

Sustainable businesses and sustainable marriages run on the exact same operating system.

So here it is. 20 lessons. 20 years. Grab a drink, get comfy. Let’s goooooo……

1. Fun Isn’t Optional (Sorry, Not Sorry)

Joe and I still goof off constantly. We’re both really weird, raising weird kids (ok, maybe I’m really the only weird one of the 2 but I keep us both entertained).

In business, if you can’t feel alive in what you’re doing, you will burn out or quit, there’s no version where forcing it for years works.

Fun and play isn’t for AFTER you reach a destination. It IS the journey. It’s the fuel.

We spent all of July inside the Flow Collective building what I call Pleasure First businesses, because pleasure isn’t the reward for hitting your goals, it’s the thing that gets you there.

2. Sex Comes First (yes, actually)

yay baby!!! Sex and money really do mix.

But in all seriousness, when you feel good and alive, your business feels that.

When you’re connected to your body and your sensuality, you show up differently.

This past year or 2 has been a deep, deep lesson for me into my body, pleasure, sensuality, and embodiment.

And yes, that’s had ripples into both business and my marriage.

3. Just Say the Hard Thing

Marriage can be hard and having the real, deep, authentic conversations with your partner can be even harder.

You have to be willing to tell your partner when he leaves the socks on the bathroom floor that it irks you.

Or talk about what happens to the kids if both of you pass (I know it’s not a fun thought but it NEEDS to happen. Get that trust in place).

They’re hard and oftentimes incredibly uncomfortable. But they gotta happen.

The uncomfortable conversation you need to have with a team member that just isn’t doing a great job. The numbers you haven’t looked at in three weeks so you really have no idea what’s actually happening in your business. The launch that “flopped” and you haven’t debriefed why.

That avoided thing is almost always exactly where the growth is hiding, and the longer you dodge it, the longer you stay stuck.

let yourself press into the hard stuff. Let the tough conversations pull out a more expanded version of you.

4. They Feel Your Energy Before They Read a Word

Your audience feels your energy before they ever read your caption. Same as your spouse.

You can say all the right things and still transmit “I am exhausted and forcing this,” or “I’m friggin’ pissed with you” or even the “you’re turning me on right now”…. they often don’t require words and people still pick up on it every time.

This is why the same offer can convert beautifully one launch and completely flop the next, even with identical copy.

What’s going on in your head transmits into the words you speak and write.

We don’t need to tell our partner we’re pissed or totally turned on…your energy emits that without words.

Your energy emits to your audience transcends the content or message you actually say.

And until you focus in on your energy (and the undercurrent beneath it) you’ll continue to get the same results over and over again despite how hard you work.

5. You Can’t Skip the Season You’re In

There are seasons of expansion and deep connection, and seasons of tension and growth, and both are part of marriage…and business.

I’m known as the cycle syncing expert but it’s bigger than that…it’s understanding rhythm.

And rhythm exists in EVERY aspect of our lives. When we fight the rhythm, we create more dis-ease and frustration.

I’ve had the days when I feel like marriage is easy and a walk in the park.

I’ve also had the season Joe had brain surgery and I didn’t know for weeks what life was going to be like after he had surgery.

I’ve had the season with two kids under three where romantic meant we both got to shower on the same day (and not even at the same time!).

We’ve had seasons of me navigating cancer, surgery, and countless doctors appointments (that was a reallllly rough business season I’ll let you know!).

We’re currently in a season with Joe traveling to Texas for work each week and be solo parenting with kids in 4 different sports (I’ve literally put 10k miles on my brand new car in the last 6 months).

Same marriage, wildly different seasons. And wildly different ways in which we had to show up for each other.

Your business goes through the same cycles, and forcing hustle season energy onto a season that’s actually asking you to integrate or rest is why your revenue feels unexplainable.

One of the greatest sources of frustration (in marriage or business), is trying to act like you’re in a season that you’re not.

6. I Don’t Need Someone or Something Else to Complete me

Joe and I have always related to each other as individuals first, maybe because we’re polar opposites in about a hundred ways. (I am the one that will put 10 holes in the wall to find the right spot, versus Joe measuring from top to bottom and side to side and using a level to make sure it’s perfect). He’s a Virgo and I’m an Aires which according to a social post I saw last week is one of the hardest couples to make work because of the polar opposite-ness.

We’ve never asked the other one to complete us, what we build together only enhances what we already are separately.

We go on separate trips. We give each other permission to go without expectations (sometimes even not talking the entire time we’re separated) and we’ve never felt insecure about it.

Too many women look to their business to make them feel worthy or completing them. There’s so much proving happening in business (and in marriage) that benefits literally no one.

Build from wholeness.

When you build from a place of “with or without my business, I’m ok” how you show up in your business shifts.

7. It’s Never About the Big Gestures

The way you say hello (a nurturing hug or kiss versus a shrug can go a lonnnng way).

The random “thinking of you” text (or maybe the spicy one 😉).

Taking out the trash without being asked.

It all matters more than the big gestures we think we’re supposed to be performing (although when we were dating did MASSIVE gestures like this photo haha)

Same in business, we assume the breakthrough will come from some massive overhaul, when honestly it’s usually a headline tweak or a color change.

Paying attention to the small stuff is how you grow without constantly reinventing the whole thing (so if you’re tired of working so hard, start there).

Using my cycle definitely made my business and schedule genuinely lighter, and also, focusing on refining my business versus reinventing my business took loads off my schedule. This is one of the 7 P’s of building a feminine-based business that I teach inside the Flow Collective.

8. Your Needs Aren’t Optional Either

When you’re wiped, touched out, running on fumes, there is no version of you that’s letting your partner get close.

Same goes for your content.

If you’re drained and burnt out, you are not creating anything that magnetizes your ideal client.

Which means boundaries aren’t optional, they’re the thing protecting your ability to even have needs in the first place.

Get specific about what you need and get loud about saying it out loud.

9. Ask for What You Want. Yes, Actually Ask.

You cannot get what you want if you never ask for it.

Whether that’s asking your partner to grab the kids from school, or asking your list for the sale.

Business and marriage both run on speaking up, on admitting your desires are allowed to matter at all.

I work with so many women who genuinely cannot answer “what do you actually want,” because nobody ever taught them that question was allowed.

Inside Your Cycle Advantage, I have women go through an exercise of creating a 100 desires list and it’s often one that a lot of women have a hard time with (initially).  And then we expand that desire capacity while working together.

One of my most favorite things about coaching is watching women’s dreams get bigger.

10. Stop Trying to Clone Yourself

Joe and I are nearly complete opposites. He plans methodically, I wing it and figure it out as I go.

He wants to be totally prepared, I’m fine improvising as we go. He loves being out around people, I’d rather be locked in a cabin. Absolutely alone. For an entire weekend (it’s on my dream list right now!)

We’ve let the opposite-ness support us instead of fighting it.

Same with your team.

A team of five versions of you would be a hot mess, shit show. You need people who hold you on track when you get instantly obsessed with a new idea, not people who match how you show up (ok, maybe that’s just what I need, but you have your own ways in which someone else will complement your work).

If you’re a details person, you need the visionary. If you’re the spontaneity, you need a planner. We need our opposites. Learning to work together as a team (as difficult as it is), is such a great method for us to grow into more powerful leaders.

Business and marriage both aren’t meant to be done alone. More minds amplify.

11. We Grow Apart

We’ve always protected our own solo adventures, our own trips, our own hobbies that have nothing to do with the other person.

It’s kept us from that clingy, codependent thing that quietly kills a lot of marriages.

In business, that looks like your own learning, your own rest, your own creative outlets that aren’t tied to your team or your clients or your content calendar. (Although our teen daughter said the other day she thinks Joe needs to start coming to my spicy dance class…💃)

For a long time I felt frustrated that Joe wasn’t growing at the pace I was. I was investing in myself spiritually, physically, mentally….and he just wasn’t interested.

It didn’t matter how many hints or books I’d leave near his nightstand. It wasn’t until I let go of the expectation and just let him go on his journey that he started expanding and growing too. Now he’s the one sending me things to read or learn.

Investing in YOUR growth, not just your business’ growth, is actually one of the fastest ways to grow your revenue too.

12. Let Go of the Last 20%

I could micromanage every solo trip Joe takes, every work event, every late night.

I don’t (most the time), because trust is the entire foundation of our marriage.

Me letting go of control helps him step into the leader he is, helps empower him, AND often pays off in benefiting me too.

Do we do it the same way? Nope. But I (try) to bite my tongue.

The businesses that stay small forever are usually run by women who can’t release control of a single task.

Delegation is a trust exercise.

There are lots of things that someone else is only going to do to 80% of what you’re able to do. But trying to hold onto that last 20% of perfection is going to clog up your energy wheel drastically.

Then your 100% plus someone else’s 80% actually equals 180% done, instead of your original 100% anyway.

Delegate.

Release the control.

Support the people on your team to be leaders and take ownership of their work over being micromanaged.

13. Nobody Can Read Your Mind, Babe

We did not become good communicators by accident.

We had to learn to literally say “I need X” out loud instead of quietly resenting each other for not guessing it (RIP to my early twenties Silent Treatment Era).

Same with your audience. Don’t hint at your offer, don’t bury your ask in a story with no actual invitation. Say the thing.

And make it uber clear.

One of the challenges we did inside the Flow Collective was “Are you open for business?”

I had each of my clients go through their website, instagram, or any where else they’re showing up and ask themselves “would my ideal client know I’m open for business and it’s clear on what their first steps are?”

We (and I mean, me!) make it so hard for our clients to buy from us. We expect them to jump through hoops and know how to find what we offer.

Tell them what to do. Post the CTA, even as simple as “follow along for more.”

Yes, we want to use curiosity, but not at the expense of confusing our audience on what to do next.

14. Rest Isn’t Something You Earn

I’ll admit, we’re in a season when rest feels hard to come by.

With Monday-Friday practices, games on the weekends, finding space to rest can be a bit challenging.

But we both know that it matters.

We’ve created a morning ritual where both of get up a little earlier than the kids (if we can) and prioritize investing in reading, journalling, meditating.

I’m a go person.

Joe’s resting on the couch on a Saturday when I know how much there is to get done around the house used to really piss me off (and sometimes it still does). But he’s taught me so much about the value of resting and slowing down.

Cause the reality is that there is ALWAYS more to do.”

Businesses built on the belief that rest has to be earned first are businesses that eventually collapse under their own founder.

Block the time off before you’re desperate for it, not after.

15. Burn the Timeline You Think You’re Supposed to Be On

I was 17 when Joe and I got together, and I would have never expected it.

I actually thought I was going to be the woman who went to medical school to be a brain surgeon and have the house, career, and life before getting married. But here we are (and I’m totally happy with the way it went down).

In business, I thought I had to build like everyone else too. I’d get so down on myself when my business wasn’t growing as fast as my friends.

I’d look at what someone else was doing and then try to do that, and then I’d jump to the next person’s strategy.

Instead of just focusing in on MY path, I got so distracted by what everyone else was doing and the timeline they were on, that the comparsion killed my progress.

Comparing your business to someone else’s five year plan when you’re 18 months in is a fast way to talk yourself out of something that’s actually working.

Your timeline gets to look like yours.

16. You’re Gonna F*ck It Up (Over And Over Again). Good.

We laugh at ourselves constantly, at how ridiculous we are, at how many things have gone sideways over 20 years.

There’s times we’ve said really hurtful things. There’s times we’ve done things we’ve regretted and wish we could take back.

But in every one of them, we’ve learned something about ourselves or our relationship.

And all those fights, mess ups, and messy seasons have made us who we are now.

The same happens in business. Far too often we think we’re gonna see the success without the mess-ups.

But it’s the mess-ups that make the success far more beautiful.

17. Some Things Just Aren’t Up For Debate

There are things Joe and I simply do not compromise on, and knowing exactly what those are has saved us a hundred pointless arguments.

It’s also saved us from getting into sticky situations that could cause hurt or harm.

Know your non-negotiables in business too, your rates, your boundaries, the type of client you will not work with again, and stop relitigating them every single time.

18. Keep Some Mystery (Yes, Even After 20 Years)

We don’t share everything with everyone.

Not because we’re hiding something shady, but because some things are just… ours.

There’s a version of intimacy that gets diluted the second you narrate every detail of it to the group chat (sorry not sorry to the ones fishing for details, y’all know who you are 👀).

Business works the exact same way. Showing your audience literally everything, every process, every behind the scenes moment, every single detail of your framework, doesn’t build more trust. It actually kills curiosity.

People buy because they want to know more, not because they already know it all.

Tease. Save some magic for your closest people.

19. The Tuesday Wins Count Too

We don’t just mark the big anniversaries (we actually don’t really celebrate those very well), we celebrate the random Tuesday wins too.

I love our quick little sneak moments in the kitchen where we connect and focus on what is going really well (even when there’s crazy chaos going on around).

Businesses that only celebrate the six figure launch and ignore every small win in between burn their owners out fast.

Celebrate the good week. It matters just as much as the big one.

Celebrating wins and what you’re grateful for is one of the fastest ways to manifest MORe of what you want.

20. I Don’t Let Complainers In My Group Chat

Who you surround yourself with is what you begin to believe is possible.

I make it a point not to surround myself with people who complain about their spouses.

I make a point to surround myself with people who don’t talk about how crazy gas prices are or how bad the economy is.

I focus on surrounding myself with people who are already where I want to be or who are on the journey to get there too.

Because you become like the people you surround yourself with. So make those people count.

Well, you made it to all 20. I’m sure there’s plenty more lessons we’ve learned in 20 years of marriage (and many more we’ll learn as we go).

Business and raising kids are the 2 things that have shaped and changed me into who I am today.

And I’m sooooo grateful that I’ve been able to do both alongside my husband.

Now tell me, which one hit you the hardest? Reply and let me know!