Birth Story of Our Son

When you are getting ready to have your first baby there is so much anticipation about the birth process.  You can read and prepare but you really have no clue what it will really be like.  Then with your second, you have the previous experience and thus you shape your expectations of the second birth off that first experience (whether it was good or bad) plus the wealth of knowledge that you’ve gained since then too.  I had expectations for my second birth.  I think we all do.  But boy did God decide to show me how little control I have and how He ultimately knows what is best for us.

As I approached my due date, I began praying for specific things regarding our birth and labor experience.  Slowly, each prayer I prayed kept getting denied and I’d have to adjust my expectations and trust that God knew what He was doing.  There were so many things going against my anticipated plan that I nearly changed from delivering at the hospital birthing center to doing a home birth.  But in the end, I trusted that God was still in control of the whole thing.

For some reason, I truly believed I would deliver early. When my 2.5 year old daughter told me God told her it would be on the 16th, I think that date became sort of ingrained in my head.  However, that day came and went.  As did the next 10 days between that and my due date… And then the 10 days after my due date. God taught me a lot in those 20 days.  I prayed for patience and while I got it, it wasn’t in the form that I had anticipated…a nice head cold came my way from week 39-40. Then I subluxed a rib and had excruciating pain in my side limiting my movements.  My grandparents came and went, without the arrival of our little baby.  My dad came and went.  My best friend and step mom came and went…still no baby.

I had literally tried everything to induce labor.  Knowing that I would be traveling for a wedding in only a few weeks, I wanted my little newborn to be as strong as possible for the cross country adventure.  Even as stupid as some of the natural induction method sounded, I was willing to give it a try…eating lots of pineapple, walking one foot on the curb and one off, coffee potty (google if you’re interested!), spicy food, Chinese food, Labor cookies (google!), red raspberry leaf, evening primrose oil, castor oil, etc.  You get the idea.

10pm

Then finally…after 2 false labor starts, I started to feel the same thing again.  My contractions weren’t really strong but they were frequent (like the 2 false starts), coming every 1-5 minutes.  Joe and I went for a walk and they seemed to slow a little.  They’d pick back up when I got in the shower. I was hopeful that it would be labor as I had my induction date scheduled and was really hoping that I’d go into labor before then.  But at the same time, the way the contractions were (or weren’t really) progressing made me sort of doubtful.

3am

I finally called my midwife and she suggested waiting another 30 minutes and see how things progressed.  When I called back after 30 minutes, not much had changed.  We decided we’d head in just to see how things were progressing at least for peace of mind.  As we were driving to the hospital, I told Joe that I didn’t think it was the night.  My contractions were getting further apart, now 6-7 minutes a part but feeling a little more intense.  Walking into the emergency room, I was getting a little depressed.  When I went in with my daughter, it was obvious I was in labor (I was 8 cm dilated at that point–of course it was obvious. Read my daughter’s birth story here).

When the midwife performed an exam, I was 4cm.  Better than I had been at my appointment just a few days prior but not really what I’d been hoping to hear.  She suggested admitting because my first labor went quickly and if things didn’t progress, I could go home.  Being GBS positive, if I received 2 doses of antibiotics (which have to be given 4 hours apart), she’d discuss breaking my water if we needed to speed things along.  It had been too long since my stress test so they did another one.  He wasn’t responding well so they gave me some fluids until his heart rate started responding adequately.

We transferred to the birth center, Joe went to the car to get our stuff, and I was in the room all by myself, swaying on the side of the bed with each contraction, which seemed to be getting more and more intense.  Within just a few minutes, my water broke.  With my daughter, I had been in the birthing tub when my water broke so I never really had that same experience.  The nurse came in and immediately called the midwife saying “light mec.”  The midwife came and examined and determined that the amount of meconium in my fluid was to be expected being 10 days over and it wasn’t enough to exclude me from the birth center.  Thank goodness!

4am

With the time between my water breaking and  delivering my daughter, and everyone anticipating this labor to be uber fast, I called my friend Rachel to let her know she could come down as she was planning to take pictures.  She was there in no time and I labored in the shower and the tub for a few hours.  I tried to eat a little snack to keep my energy up and be prepared.  Bad idea, I threw it up all over the room before I could make it to the toilet.

After awhile, I noticed I was getting a lot of time in between my contractions.  It was nice to have a little rest and everyone kept saying “it’s the calm before the storm.”

7am

At 7, it was shift change and the midwives were trying to decide if they needed to have an extra midwife stay on (apparently the first week in March has been a busy time this year).  So they did an exam and I was at 7-8cm.  So we continued on…Joe providing counter pressure to my back with each contraction. We used a few oils here and there, finding great reprieve with the lavender, peppermint, and wild orange.

10am

I was losing my steam and energy.  I sort of had a gut inclination that things weren’t going well. I was still at 7cm and he was still at -2 station (where he’d been for the last 2 weeks when I’d had my membrane sweep in the office).  For weeks, I’d been pretty sure he was in the posterior position and I had spent weeks trying to turn him to no avail.  Something in my gut made me feel like he wasn’t getting into my pelvis because he was in the posterior position and that’s why labor wasn’t progressing.  Between contractions I was walking and walking around in my room.  With each contraction, I was performing lunges and squats and other maneuvers to try to get him to turn and engage.  My contractions were getting farther and farther apart.  I was now getting about 5-15 minutes between contractions.  Despite my efforts, I didn’t feel like I was making progress.  Sometimes during a contraction I’d bear down trying to make him progress.  I could sometimes feel like he was engaging but as soon as the contraction let up, he’d bounce back up.  Joe and my midwife were both great at trying to encourage me on. After while, I kept just repeating “I can’t do this. I can’t do this.” The breaks between such intense contractions was making it unbearable.  I just kept wishing for more contractions because I knew the more I had the more productive it would be.

Eventually my midwife approached the subject of pitocin.  She agreed we needed to get the contractions to pick back up and all the natural methods we’d tried just weren’t doing it, and my contractions were continually getting further and further apart.  I had been in labor for 12 hours already and was tired! I knew pitocin contractions could be super intense and wasn’t sure I was up for doing that after having labored for 12 hours, when I was already ready to give up.  In my head, I kept thinking….this labor was supposed to be faster than my first and I’m now at 12 hours and still have a ways to go….where is this baby???

It didn’t take much for me to feel comfortable with the idea of having an epidural and getting the pitocin.  Before going into labor, my advice to people that wanted to do it natural was to go into the experience totally determined to push through and not let an epidural be an option in your head.  I truly feel like God gave me the peace of mind about the decision.  I feel he’d been setting up the whole experience thus far to prepare my heart for making that decision.

11am(ish)

It was right as we were transferring to L&D that my mom (who had just landed from Sacramento) and my sister (drove down from OC), both showed up.  I started crying as I told them we were transferring but feel it was more of grieving moment.  Shedding off my expectations of birth and the amazing experience I had envisioned, and giving it up for whatever may come.

Up until this point, I was unable to tolerate a contraction without movement and Joe putting pressure on my back.  But the contractions were dulling and I was able to maintain seated on the edge of the bed or in the wheelchair.  Yet again, receiving reassurance that I was making the right decision to get the pitocin. And yet again, I threw up when I tried to drink some tea my sister had brought me.

12am (ish)

The transfer from the birth center to L&D is when I sort of lost track of time so not sure exactly on all the timing.  The anesthesiologist gave me my epidural but after awhile I was still feeling pain in one little slice near my hip.  The anesthesiologist came back and gave me 2 more doses.  I’ve never had any sort of pain med like that.  It was a weird experience, still being able to move my legs a little, feel him moving in my belly, but no longer feeling contractions.  Once I was good and numb, they started the pitocin.  Slowly over the next few hours, my nurse would increase the pitocin, waiting for my contractions to get back to every 2-3 min.  They kept lingering at around 3-5min apart.

Around 2pm

My sister wandered over to the monitors and watched the contractions.  She kept saying “you have to be able to feel that…that’s a huge contraction.”  I had begun to feel a little pressure, so I was thinking that it would be getting close to the time.  A few minutes later my nurse walked in and we told her what our conversation had been.  She decided to do a quick exam and see if she could see the baby’s head at all.  To our surprise….his head was half way out.  The next few minutes were craziness! Joe had been asleep, so he scrambled to get awake.  The nurses were scrambling for the midwife.  When she wasn’t there quickly, they began calling for an OB.  But just then the midwife walked in.  She was shocked to find his head all the way out.  They asked if I could push at all and I did my best but not sure if it did anything to help as he slithered is way out, in the anterior position nonetheless.

2:16pm

16 hours later, our little boy was born! All 8lbs 13 oz of him!  (My daughter had said 16 all along and I interpreted to be 2/16 as in February 16.  Instead he was born at 2:16).  He was immediately placed on my chest but wasn’t really breathing.  march2014 (2 of 7)The nurses and I were all trying to stimulate him to breath but he wasn’t making progress.  The midwife immediately cut his cord and they took him to the table for some O2 and suctioning. It was a bummer to not have the delayed cord cutting and for my husband not to be able to do it.march2014 (3 of 7)

 After a few minutes they brought him back to me saying he was breathing better but still not great.  I laid him on my chest, talking to him and praying he’d take a few good breaths.  After a few coughs, his breathing no longer sounded wet.  I put him near the breast and he immediately started nursing….and didn’t stop! It was amazing! My daughter and I struggled with breast feeding for weeks so it was amazing to see him latch on and go for it as if he had done it many times before.march2014 (4 of 7) march2014 (5 of 7)

I do feel in some ways I need to grieve the ideal experience I had been hoping and praying to have.  I do feel blessed for how things went.  An OB friend of mine suggested that the epidural and the pitocin could have what allowed him to turn, by relaxing my hips and creating more consistent and effective contractions. When I read all the possibilities that could occur during birth, things could have been worse.  My experience wasn’t a bad one by any means, just different than what I had envisioned.  Going through the whole process again in my head does make me sad for the birth I won’t have but grateful for the way it did go.

march2014 (6 of 7) march2014 (7 of 7)

With my daughter I had lots of labor support. This time, I relied solely on my husband and I’m grateful for all he did.  I couldn’t have done it without him.

Can God give us a painless pregnancy if we ask for one?

Renae Maternity-012I wrote about this book and CD in a recent blog posting about my preparations for a natural delivery.  However, I wanted to highlight them again.  They have been pretty profoundly powerful for me in the last few weeks.

The weeks surrounding Christmas, I was having a lot of belly pains.  Thankfully my sciatica hip pain wasn’t as bad but the pain I was having in my belly was pretty profound.  It was localized in one spot but felt like my tissue was literally ripping apart.  I tried a few different essential oils, a bath, rest, etc.  About the only thing that made it not hurt was lying down.  But as soon as I stood back up, it’d hurt again…grr. Of course like most other people, I consulted Dr. Google. The only options I could come up with were 1). Round ligament pain (But in my mind this just felt different than what most people describe) 2). Just a normal part of pregnancy people experience 3). An umbilical hernia.

At my appointment with my midwife, I  described how it felt, when I felt it, what made it feel better, etc. and her first thoughts were, “sounds like maybe the beginning of an umbilical hernia.”  Yeah for me! Unfortunately, there isn’t much more than I can do to prevent it from getting worse because I was already wearing an abdominal belt, limiting my weight lifting (i.e. picking up my daughter), and overall body exertion.  In that appointment, it was also discovered that our baby was most likely in the breech position.  She couldn’t entirely tell because she couldn’t feel him very well but that was sort of her intuition from what she did feel.  Being I’m only 33 weeks, I know there is time to flip still but we’re getting closer down to the wire here.  I left that appointment feeling pretty down.  It’s been a rough pregnancy and doesn’t seem to be getting any easier.  My first pregnancy was so easy and such a breeze (relatively!) that it was weighing on me physically and mentally.

ImageI had purchased “Childbirth in the Glory”. So I decided to start listening to it.  Within the first few songs, I could feel my demeanor change.  I began to feel like I could lay claim to some of these promises God had made and God does answer our prayers and responds to our faith.  After a few days of listening, I can tell you, I have had very little pains.  When I begin to face doubts of God’s faithfulness, I begin to experience pains.  It only takes listening to the CD to remind myself that I can claim these truths.

ImageAs I started reading Supernatural Childbirth again, it began to do the same thing.  I began to feel myself saying “yes Lord, you have given us the power to ask and receive miracles.”

I lay in bed last night feeling my belly, attempting to “belly map” my baby (it’s such a difficult task…I think mostly because I’m guessing he’s posterior, which means he’s up against my spine and difficult to find). I began to think “yeah, I think he’s in the breech position.”  But then I reminded myself, that God is more powerful than waiting to rely on my midwife to do an external cephalic version or using essential oils to turn him or whatever random exercises I can find to turn a breech baby.  God made my baby, placed him in my womb and will see that he is born healthy.  By the time my husband came to bed, I was confident that God would give me a head down baby if I asked for one and believed that he would give me one.  I told my husband “I think he’s head down.”  I could somewhat feel what I thought might be him in a head down position, but I’m not sure exactly what I’m feeling. But God knows where he is and can make him move.

I can’t say that I don’t still experience daily aches that should be expected when you are carrying 20-30 more pounds than you normally do on days when I do a little  too much, but I can say that the excruciating pain I was having in my belly and my hip have both been significantly reduced or at times completely subsided! Praise the Lord for healing and miracles!

Natural childbirth, supernatural childbirth, or childbirth in any form is a daunting task.  There are many fears, doubts, moments of triumph as well as feelings of defeat.  My advice to people considering a natural childbirth is to commit with your whole heart, and not even allow yourself the thought that you’d choose an epidural or pain meds if you needed.  Your heart and mind needs to be invested in order to overcome the amount of intensity experienced during birth.  This CD and book, are an EXCELLENT way to prepare for that, and even more so, a supernatural childbirth.  If you are pregnant, please read Supernatural Childbirth and listen to Childbirth in the Glory.

Do I think that someone could have a painless pregnancy? I think frame of mine makes a huge difference.  I had read Supernatural Childbirth pretty early on in my pregnancy with my daughter, and as I said before, had a pretty easy pregnancy.  Not to say this is the reason the pregnancies are different, but I truly think it made a difference.  I believe God will answer prayers and fulfill promises and truths that we can lay hold of in the Bible.  God has the desire to bring about healing.  But, I also believe God has given us tools within our world to use to help combat some of the aches that come along with pregnancy.  We shouldn’t be negligent to say God will heal us without using any of the tools He’s given us.

Revisiting My Daughter’s Birth Story in Preparation for my Next Delivery

As I begin preparing for my next birth, I feel there is a lot more emotional and spiritual preparation I need to do than the last time.  Yes, I know I need the physical preparation too, which I talked about it one of my most recent posts.  However, I think that because I’ve been through one birth before and it was successful, I feel my body can physically do it.  But it’s my spirit, that I worry about.  I know prayer and faith can make anything happen, but do I really feel that way deep down? I know at one point with my daughter’s birth, I wanted to give up.  Didn’t think it was going to be possible to push her out and was contemplating if I could just request a cesarean.  But I had a few amazing women and my husband present (and my dad outside the room) and I think it was the power of their prayers that kept me going.  That being said, I decided to revisit my daughter’s birth story and in the process decided to share with you! I wrote this shortly after she was born and then just revised a little to post!
Friday, I had gone to a midwife appt and she told me that I was 2cm dilated and ready to go. She said if I wanted, my body was ready enough for me to take castor oil if I desired. We talked about it because castor oil sounds like an entirely awful experience. Not a lot of people recommend it and have had horrid stories revolving around the use of castor oil. She said if I wanted to wait and maybe use it as a last ditch effort prior to an induction, I could do that. She stripped my membranes again (the 2nd time) but this time it felt like it might have actually done something. Leaving the office that day, I made my next appt and made the appts for my “past due” monitoring and had no intention of trying the castor oil yet. However, as the day went on, something in me grew more and more inclined to trying it. I mean, I’d tried everything else to induce labor. My best friend (a labor and delivery nurse) and I had spent days and days walking, playing Wii, walking with one foot on the curb and one foot off, putting golf, etc. I even tried acupuncture for the first time. Nothing had seemed to work. When I was able to get my contractions started, they would fade away after 4-6 hours and never really increased in intensity. My husband felt like we should wait on the castor oil so we did.
Dad came down to visit with my sister a little before she went off to Germany so he rode the train down to our house on Thursday to spend some time with us and wait for little girl to arrive. We did all kinds of stuff to keep busy while he was here but it was nice to just spend some time together. On Saturday we got a few more things checked off our “to do list.” Things that we weren’t really planning to do right away. We were able to get the dogs a haircut, paint our living room, and other similar tasks.
Saturday night, we decided I’d try the castor oil. But since I was a little hesitant about it, we figured I could take a small dose and if it didn’t work than we’d wait until closer to an induction before trying again with the recommended dose. Because I’d used  so many methods to induce labor, I really can’t say what it was that got it started or if none of it helped and my body was just ready. Who knows? and most of them are old wive’s tales or not researched well enough to really establish whether or not they help. But I went to bed around 11pm that night feeling just a little off. It didn’t feel much different than some of the other nights I’d had when I went to bed with cramping or mild contractions, but as I did each night, I hoped that I would wake up in the middle of the night with stronger contractions. It wasn’t until about 1am that I was awoken from sleep and had to get up out of bed.
Because I’d had so many episodes of contractions/false labor, in the back of my mind I felt like that’s what was happening and I shouldn’t get my hopes up. Dad heard me in the living room and came out and watched “My Best Friend’s Wedding” with me as I tried to just get through each contraction/try to get a little bit of sleep just in case it truly was labor. After the movie, I tried to go back to bed but it just wasn’t possible. I was too uncomfortable. At around 5am, I woke up my husband and told him I needed help. He jumped out of bed so fast! He threw on his clothes like the house was on fire. My contractions still weren’t really regular, some were coming at 5 minutes, some 4, others 2, others 1. It was just so inconsistent but they were getting uncomfortable so I called the midwife on call. We decided I’d stay home for a little while longer, she suggesting I try taking a shower. After a two showers, time on the yoga ball, moving in any position that felt okay, we finally called again. I was worried that getting to the hospital was going to be so uncomfortable I wouldn’t make it in the car ride over to the hospital if we waited much longer. The only thing that helped me tolerate the pain was movement, and sitting in the car, would limit my movement and I knew it wouldn’t be fun.
Around 8am, my friend, dad, husband and I made it to the hospital. Walking into the hospital I remember telling them that I wasn’t sure I was going to make it without an epidural or anything because I anticipated that I had a long way to go. There weren’t any rooms in the birth center available when we arrived so they had me check into labor and delivery and go through all the admitting stuff there. The midwife came and did an examination and said I was 7-8cm and my bag of water was bulging and to expect “niagra falls” at any time. I was so relieved!! I seriously expected her to tell me I was around 4cm and so when I heard 7 I couldn’t believe it. It gave me that little extra umph. I’d made it this far, I could most certainly make it the last little way.
We ended up getting a room in the birth center by about 9:30 but the tub wasn’t filled so I took another shower. I seriously felt like there were moments I was crawling up the wall. There was nothing that made each contraction tolerable. My husband was trying his best to help. Our volunteer doula showed up and helped show him some counter pressure techniques that helped a little but really nothing made too much of a difference. I stayed in the shower till I was just too hot and by then the tub was filled. I labored in the tub for a few hours without much progress, other than my contractions were getting stronger, more frequent, almost never letting up. It seemed that when one would be on the way out, another one would be on the way in and I never got a sense of relief. It wasn’t until my water broke that I almost immediately progressed to complete. Because the hospital can’t do actual water births, I had to get out of the tub to actually begin the pushing stage. 
I feel like I was in almost every position possible during the pushing stage. There were some that were more comfortable for me (all 4’s and squatting) and some that the midwife requested I get into for labor progression. I have to say that this stage wasn’t nearly as “painful.” The contractions seemed less painful and they also seemed further apart. The only part that was painful was when she was crowning and it seemed like she was “crowning” forever. She just wouldn’t get passed that point, no matter how much pushing I did. At one point, my midwife even had me get up and got to the bathroom in an attempt to help get things progressing. I don’t remember at what point, but her hear rate started dropping. Some positions appeared to make her heart rate slow, so it was sort of a move around and find a position where baby is okay, while I’m still pushing and feel like I have a bowling ball between my legs. My midwife said she’d only do an episiotomy if it was necessary for the safety of the baby but she was going to try everything to avoid it. There were a couple moments when I seriously thought she was close to doing it and I’d say a little prayer and then the heart rate would come back up and I’d breathe a sigh of relief. But no amount of pushing I could do was making any progress. I could feel her moving 2 steps forward, one step back with each contraction and I just kept wishing I could get the strength to just get past that point. I knew tension was building in the air the longer I pushed and she didn’t come but her heart rate continued to fluctuate.  I don’t remember at what point they had me put on an oxygen mask, but I remember feeling at that point that things truly were getting serious and she needed out!
It was during that time that I seriously began to get disheartened, feeling like there was nothing left in me to be able to do it. Everyone kept saying “just one more push” but with one more push, I felt like I was still a long way off. I could feel the overwhelming amount of prayer and knew that no amount of strength I could concoct would help her out. That any bit of strength I could come up with would be supernatural. And in some ways, I feel like I knew things were out of my hands and even though there was tension in the room, I knew that God had control and whatever happened, things would turn out.
Eventually, on all 4’s I was able to push out her head but the midwife recognized a hand in an abnormal spot and had me stop pushing and turn over onto my back immediately. My little miss had crossed her arms across her chest and got her shoulders and chest a little stuck. With a few more pushes, she was out and up on my chest, perfectly healthy. It was absolutely amazing. After the cord stopped pulsing, my husband got to cut the cord, and she got to stay on my chest for the next few hours.

It was such an amazing time! The nurses and everyone didn’t take her from me until later to weigh her and all. They feel like bonding between mom and baby is more important than doing all the stuff right away and so they essentially give you space for the first couple hours, which is part of why I chose to deliver there in the first place.  There were so many things I felt I needed to have written as a birth plan but they were standard practices that I didn’t even need one!
Honestly, it was the most amazing experience. The contractions were the worst part. Once it got to the pushing stage, it wasn’t so much painful as it was exhausting but in the end, looking back, I can’t believe I made it through without pain meds and that nothing went really wrong. It was the most amazing experience and I feel like looking back it’s kind of like a dream. The week or two before her delivery, I was seriously having doubts about whether I could do it. Some serious fears were in my head and prayer was the only thing that helped me overcome those fears and in the end have the birthing experience we desired. And looking back, I feel so great that we had a natural birth and would do it again in a heartbeat. And to have had no tears or an episiotomy just blows me away! I truly think it has to do with a state of mind. Yes, all the exercises for preparation probably help but I don’t feel like I did that much in way of preparing. We didn’t know what we were doing and we kind of just went with it.
Now we have our little angel.

My Miscarriage Story

I searched and searched the Internet looking for people’s experiences so I knew what I might expect with my miscarriage. There is little information it seems but more and more are talking about it. So I thought I’d share my experience so if anyone was in a similar situation, they at least had someone’s experience.

I was 9 weeks when I found out the baby’s heart had stopped and measured 8 weeks 2 days. I had sort of a feeling because most of my symptoms had disappeared and that’s what my first miscarriage had felt like. I tried to play it off that it was due to my recent switch in vitamins and that I just no longer was as fatigued or slightly nauseous because my body was better meeting its nutritional requirements. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case.

Over the weekend my midwife called and said my hcg was still really high and she wanted a repeat blood test and ultrasound to confirm, which we did on Monday. Both confirming that yes it was true. But we knew it before we went in anyway. I was praying that God would protect my heart as we walked in.  The morning of, I had some friends come pray for me too. The whole situation was still a bit overwhelming and felt that would be good comfort and healing. Yes, we prayed for a miracle but I also knew that it may not be.

I began using clary sage oil and some other oils known to induce menstruation as well as taking red raspberry leaf, dong quai, and doping up on vitamin c. I started scouring the internet for ways to help encourage the body to continue the miscarriage process. With my first miscarriage, I found out at 12 weeks but the baby measured only 8 weeks so I was skeptical to think my body would get the process started right away and I knew I was on a deadline with my midwife and OB. I even made my way back to acupuncture.

In a series of phone calls, I went from needing the procedure done the next day as an outpatient (no anesthesia and only numbing of the cervix) to needing it in the OR (general anesthesia) and the requirements for all were so confusing and everyone had a different answer. I had a pre op appointment on Wednesday. At that appointment, I was told I had 3 choices. The 2 above and the third being medical management with misoprostol (cytotec). All along I had known I wanted to do it natural.  So because we were down to scheduling the d&c in 2 days or trying the meds, I went for the meds. It was a greater than 50% chance it would work in 24 hours they said. And they’d give me 2 doses to try if the first didn’t work.

(Meanwhile, I upped the dosing of all the oils)

I had 2 clients that day so I decided to wait till I was home since they warned me it could begin within an hour of the meds.

At about 7:15pm I used the meds and took 1 of the motrins they gave me. And an hour later, I was beginning to think it wasn’t working. 2 hours later I was beginning to cramp but nothing major and decided to go to bed.

At 12:30am I woke up in so much pain I couldn’t believe it and I was still 45 min away from being able to take another pain pill (and this time I was going to do the Vicodin!). I got up and went to the bathroom but had only begun spotting. I was shaking and felt like I did when I was in labor with Kins (and the timing was probably pretty similar too). I knew I needed to shower before work the next day and the shower had helped when laboring with Kinsley so I got in the shower. There is something magical about a shower during labor. I highly recommend it! It doesn’t take away the pain but some how makes it more manageable.

After I got out of the shower I decided it was close enough to take the vicodin. I slathered on somepeppermint oil to mediate the pain till they could kick in. I tried to stay a little active, knowing people said it moves along faster if you do rather than just lying around. I tried to do some laundry but found myself curled on the couch, with my heated water bottle, Ellen on tv, and only folding something intermittently. The pain was still intense and it probably wasnt until 2:30 or 3 that I went back to bed, knowing I’d have to be up the next morning for work, bleeding but not as much as I had expected. I actually laid a towel down on our bed just in case.

At 4:45am I got up to use the bathroom and in the dark I could feel what felt like a lemon slip out of me and plop into the toilet. I had wondered about this moment before. Would I want to see it or would I rather not? Would I be ok flushing it down the toilet? I turned on the light but with the amount of blood in the toilet, I couldn’t see anything. And I felt content with letting be just that.

The next morning I passed a few more clots. I had to bear down a little and passed a little more tissue that looked similar to the placenta when I had kins. I took another Motrin and headed to work. I took another Motrin at lunch but really didn’t feel much pain throughout the day. I had been applying mylavender, geranium, and frankincense oils as well, all of which are recommended for healing post a miscarriage. The bleeding was moderate in the am but slowed to in the evening it seemed to be fairly light. Now a day later, its minimal bleeding to almost spotting.

I had a ton of people sending me texts of support and telling me they were praying. I think it made a huge difference. My heart and emotional well being was phenomenal. I couldn’t have been in the place I was emotionally without God’s grace and mercy.

With the passing of the baby, it was a weird feeling of transitioning to no longer pregnant but was also incredibly healing. As if God has restored my body, without the need for surgery. (Hopefully!! I have one more ultrasound to confirm all has passed).

And through the whole thing, I have been able to share with others and help others achieve new states of healing and restoration through God’s grace. It’s a beautiful thing! God can turn such things as death and grieving into something beautiful and restorative!

I am in a good place. I feel stronger and healed in many ways. Many people have told me they are so sorry for my loss but as one of Kim Walker’s songs on her I still believe album (I’ve been listening to this CD about healing over and over since I found out), I wouldn’t trade the way I feel right now. God’s power to heal is more redemptive than had I carried the baby to term and was holding he or she in my arms. But it doesn’t mean that I’m not looking forward to the next time I find out I’m pregnant and do get the chance to hold a baby in my arms again. The moment will be more powerful now with the experience I have had and the place or healing I am in now.

I PRAY that if you are going through a miscarriage or have gone through one and are reading this, that you are able to receive the same healing I have. It is powerful! Just ask the Creator of all things, the Life Breather, and ultimate Father and He will give it into you. I cannot guarantee it’ll happen in the same fashion as mine, but if you truly seek healing and restoration from the grief and brokenness of losing a baby, God will not deny you.

UPDATE: So I’m now almost 3 weeks since taking the misoprostol. I had an appointment the week after taking it which showed blood in the uterus but they were satisfied and were going to skip the D&C. Praise Jesus! I’m still keeping up with my geranium, lavender, and frankincense oils. I only had bleeding for a few days and then it’s just been spotting. I finally think I may be near the end of the spotting. It’s super annoying to be spotting only here and there but it’s just enough to not feel totally over with it. 

ANOTHER UPDATE: So, I had a week of no spotting and decided I would start using the Clary Sage oil again to help get my body and cycles back on track so that I could begin trying to get pregnant again. Within a day or two, I was bleeding again and a little frustrated when I continued to lightly bleed and spot for 2 more weeks, until I realized my basal body temperature (measuring each morning to detect ovulation) had a shift, indicating I had ovulated. So I’m thinking the clary sage helped clear out my uterus and get me started on a new cycle!